The Start

Where ever I go, there I am. This was more than a profound statement made today. I heard it from a gal, and instantly my head started swimming. It made so much sense. For the last decade I’ve spent my time running from place to place in search of something better, only to find myself in places and situations that were far worse. There was a glaring flaw in my thinking; I thought that in order to gain something better, I had to start over somewhere new. The problem was that anywhere that I traveled to, or new job I obtained, or new school I attended, or new apartment I rented, or new house that I moved to, I was still there.

It was never the situation I was in. It was me. It was my thinking, my habits, my principals, my morals, my values, my self. I never took the time to look past the surface, and realize that my problems were my own. I played the victim in almost every way imaginable, I fantasized “If only they would do this,” or “I could find happiness if only,” at the base of it all, I was to blame. I had become the master of my own suffering. But I would do nothing to change it, because I was so stuck searching for an alternative externally, when in all actuality, it was the internal that needed the changing.

A full revamp of ideas, of persona, of morals and principals, was needed. This was such a tough pill to swallow. And it sat on my coffee table for over a decade, I simply thought it was someone else’s (and had no problem telling them to take it). Never placing any accountability for the things and problems I experienced in life. The world was at fault, or at least I thought it was. But alas, it was not so. It took homelessness, incarceration, drug and alcohol addiction, loss of family, loss of friends, loss of possessions, and most importantly, a loss of pride, to show me that maybe, just maybe, I had it all wrong. My ego didn’t want to admit that, but like an ego, it needs to be battered and bruised time and time again to understand that it is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am neither a saint, nor a sinner, I simply am. It is my day to day choices that make or break the person I am and want to become. But they are just that; Choices, and they are mine, not any one else’s, to make.

“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Viktor Frankl

I never understood this. I continually used the excuse that I was a product of my environment, and continued to view the world in a way that entitled me to act grotesquely. I never could understand that my problems were my own, and that my shortcomings were many.

Today, I am not perfect. I can now admit that and mean it in the same sentence. I have the ability to grow from my ignorance, and become someone that provides love and compassion, strength and hope, empathy and understanding, but most of all; I can accept responsibility and take accountability for my part in this world, in my life, and the lives of other people. I can change, because no matter where I go, there I am.
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