A Complete Psychic Change....

The belief that as an addict, I have to go through a complete psychic change is jarring. Coupled with the fear of not being perfect, it becomes a daily struggle. I find myself thinking day to day that I need to be better. That I need to become something far greater than the person that I am. This may be true. There is something that saves me; It took ten years to become this way, it may take a lifetime to recover. What's more, I have a new found respect for growth over time. Drugs, drinking, and sex got me used to instant gratification. Continually developing myself on a day to day basis has given me something far greater; Self value, and the start of the psychic change necessary to transcend my self destructive behavior.

The journey to reinforcing my lifestyle during my druggie days was a very sad, depressing and lonely one. The guilt and shame, followed by the use of whatever I could get my hands on to either numb emotions, or elevate happiness that I might hold on to for a while longer, became something I dreaded. I knew nothing of reality. When people speak of coping mechanisms, I chose to intoxicate myself. I learned little of anything else, especially anything constructive. Anything to alter my mind state and be away from the world for a bit, that was what I was after on a regular basis. The last seven years of my life have literally been spent on obsessing about using, using, or obsessing about when the next time I was going to use was. This went for drugs, drinking, and sex. Anything else was an annoyance that usually gave me an excuse to do it all over again!

Imagine my relief when I started to have a change of heart and mind. I realized I hurt so many people, including myself. I realized that what I was doing was driving me to insanity. I became suicidal. I hated myself. I hated my family. I disconnected from friends. I couldn't hold a job. I could not achieve anything close to my goals or aspirations. My life was in shambles. I had been homeless and jailed, and all sorts of other things in between. But I had something change. I wanted something more. I wanted to find the person inside of me that screamed for a voice. I could be decent, I may even have the ability to surpass that, I could be beautiful. Now I had had these brief moments where I thought like this, but they were usually drowned out by thoughts of being a monster, of never being able to complete anything I set out to, by self-hatred, self-pity, justification for my behavior (I blamed all of my actions on others; what's accountability?), I could continue to increase this list to infinite. I had every excuse in the book not to change my ways. But what was the reason I wouldn't?

The mind of the addict, as I see it, is a paradox; I wanted success, knowing I would never have it living the way I did, yet I continued to perpetuate a cycle of lunacy. "I can't go on like this," "I must stop this!" "This one more time and then I will begin life!" "Screw it, I'll never be good enough!" "I'm so ashamed of myself..." "Why can't I change?" "I don't want to do this anymore..." "Maybe I can do it even though I live like this!" "What's the use, this is the only thing I'm good for" "I hate everything anyways, this is what I need" "I'll only use when I complete a task!" "F*&^ IT!". All were followed by using one thing or another. How bizarre. Self knowledge of my thought process helped none either. If anything, I felt more ashamed when I knowingly continued even though I had told myself what would happen and planned to defend against it.

The problem was my heart and mind. "When the fear of changing is less the the pain of staying the same, change can happen." One of the wisest women I've met to date said that to me and a few others. My mind was exhausted. My heart was broken. My emotions were wrecked. I decided to face that fear. It started with admittance. I needed to accept the fact that I was the source of my problems. It just had to be done. Next I needed to realize I wasn't the center of the universe, that I couldn't control everything. There was more. The bottom line is there is much work to be done when you're as messed up as I was. The greater realization was that in order to be happy with myself, I needed to continually work toward my "beauty" for the rest of my life. This would not be an easy task, but I decided it would be far better to try and fail, then to continue on the way I was heading.

That was almost six months ago. I'm still completely bonkers. But I am slowly gaining my freedom from that thinking. I have lapses in mental activity, but nowhere near as bad! The most beautiful part of this, no one has to be an addict to become insane. I became that even before I started using. Somethings just make us unhappy, there is a wide range of things that can give us the strength to overcome them.

My only hope is that through the love we should all have for ourselves, we can all become something that surpasses the suffering of this world currently. whether a complete psychic change is necessary, or just a minor adjustment; It is more than possible. Love could be ever present and expressed on such a grand scale. My heart cries not for it's brokenness, but the brokenness of the hearts around me. I feel them. I want them so desperately to find the life force that can bring it the strength to shed light to the world.

So sentimental, yet completely acheivable. Call me utopian, call me an idealist. I call myself a human, and I'm more than willing to give my life for the happiness of others.

In the Chambers of a Judge

In the morning, I slip on my gown,
I pass on a sentence, I hand judgment down,
I know who are innocent, who are guilty,
I can find fault with them all, all are so filthy.

It takes infinite strength to pronounce all these cases,
Infinite cruelty to judge all these faces.
There are those that aren't happy, some are depressed,
Some are pretenders, some have success.

When looking at others, I have no time to see,
When pronouncing my sentence, they have no time to breathe.
No time to think, no time for fairness.
I pass down the sentence, my judgements so careless.

Fair trials mean nothing, nor the rebuttals,
I know who you are, you're nothing but trouble.
You're nothing but crazy, ignorant, dumb,
This career is tough, my day is so glum.

At night I have to keep working, thinking, remembering,
I think and I think, my work is unending.
I been at this career for twenty-two years,
no breaks or vacations, just my gown and my tears.

I want a new position, something less stressing,
My thinking is skewed, I need a new profession.
Maybe a pilot, fireman, teacher,
Anything but this deplorable creature.

I decided today, to be something unique,
I just stop thinking of others, who cares what I think?
No more time stressing, no more with the ego,
I simply think of my shortcomings, change them, breathe more.

Learning How To Live

For a good while, I have been living life in a way that wasn't really living. I used Drugs and alcohol to numb me from my emotions. Anytime I thought anything was going on that I didn't like, it was time to get intoxicated and forget about it. The insanity of it all was that although I felt better at the time, nothing ever changed, I was simply high or drunk for a brief moment, then back to reality. For a little while anyways. Then the same old routine, back to intoxication, not feeling, then reality. It became very tiresome. Not only that, I felt so hopeless when it came to my life situations. I would never admit that, because I was always "fine", how wrong I was.

This is more about the things I am learning, or have never learned rather. For example; How in the world do you have a relationship with a woman without being selfish and self-centered? How do you handle emotions associated with a relationship? If a problem arises, how do you talk to her without inspiring anger or sadness, and get the situation resolved in a way that both people feel good about? My emotions get out of control! And I start going off the deep end, feeling like I need to use or run away, so many things start going wrong.

I think one of my biggest problems is this; When I started using, everything had to be just like drugs and alcohol. Quick, easy, bring me pleasure, and do exactly what I want it to do every time. People being objects to be manipulated. That has caused me so much stress. I want to care about people, I want to show compassion and love to everyone around me. But sometimes my old thinking comes out and I become angry, or spiteful, or downright hateful. I really dislike that. I have to make daily amends, apologies to people because of some of my actions. I would be lying if I said I didn't have a problem with doing that. I have an ego, and it doesn't like admitting when it is wrong.

I'm starting to learn that people are not there for my amusement and pleasure. I'm learning how to have meaningful relationships. But I do fall short, quite often. And then I have to look at myself and my motives toward the person. Usually they are wrong. But it's all a part of learning how to live. I'm not sure if I ever knew how to love a person for who they were rather than what they could do for me. Even when I was very young, I remember thinking that in order to be loved I had to do something, achieve something. So my idea of loving someone has been skewed for as long as I can remember.

I have a huge problem when it comes to my emotional state. The smallest thing can send me into a whirlwind of emotion that I think the only solution to is getting intoxicated. When I feel overwhelmed, my first thought is that a beer will fix it, or that I need a joint, or whatever other drugs I could do, I want them. That's a problem lol. I'm trying to stay sober, and my first thought in any stressful situation is that I have to use. Luckily I haven't yet, and hopefully I won't anytime soon.

This was kind of a throw up session, but I wanted to get a piece of writing out this week, and this has been my struggle. One day I'll be less insane, on day I'll know a bit better how to live :) Today, I'll just keep learning. 

I love all of you, any feedback would be much appreciated, have a great day :)

The Start

Where ever I go, there I am. This was more than a profound statement made today. I heard it from a gal, and instantly my head started swimming. It made so much sense. For the last decade I’ve spent my time running from place to place in search of something better, only to find myself in places and situations that were far worse. There was a glaring flaw in my thinking; I thought that in order to gain something better, I had to start over somewhere new. The problem was that anywhere that I traveled to, or new job I obtained, or new school I attended, or new apartment I rented, or new house that I moved to, I was still there.

It was never the situation I was in. It was me. It was my thinking, my habits, my principals, my morals, my values, my self. I never took the time to look past the surface, and realize that my problems were my own. I played the victim in almost every way imaginable, I fantasized “If only they would do this,” or “I could find happiness if only,” at the base of it all, I was to blame. I had become the master of my own suffering. But I would do nothing to change it, because I was so stuck searching for an alternative externally, when in all actuality, it was the internal that needed the changing.

A full revamp of ideas, of persona, of morals and principals, was needed. This was such a tough pill to swallow. And it sat on my coffee table for over a decade, I simply thought it was someone else’s (and had no problem telling them to take it). Never placing any accountability for the things and problems I experienced in life. The world was at fault, or at least I thought it was. But alas, it was not so. It took homelessness, incarceration, drug and alcohol addiction, loss of family, loss of friends, loss of possessions, and most importantly, a loss of pride, to show me that maybe, just maybe, I had it all wrong. My ego didn’t want to admit that, but like an ego, it needs to be battered and bruised time and time again to understand that it is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am neither a saint, nor a sinner, I simply am. It is my day to day choices that make or break the person I am and want to become. But they are just that; Choices, and they are mine, not any one else’s, to make.

“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Viktor Frankl

I never understood this. I continually used the excuse that I was a product of my environment, and continued to view the world in a way that entitled me to act grotesquely. I never could understand that my problems were my own, and that my shortcomings were many.

Today, I am not perfect. I can now admit that and mean it in the same sentence. I have the ability to grow from my ignorance, and become someone that provides love and compassion, strength and hope, empathy and understanding, but most of all; I can accept responsibility and take accountability for my part in this world, in my life, and the lives of other people. I can change, because no matter where I go, there I am.
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