This is my heart, I hope you hold it tight PT. II

At the very beginning of this, I must say I am sorry to whomever read the last entry and thought I was completely off my rocker. Somehow I managed to put everyone in a box, and think each person was exactly like me. How absolutely close-minded of me! My intent was not to do anything resembling that. My hope was to convey the means to improve the value of one's self, but I forgot to take into consideration that not everyone in the world acts the way I do. Everyone has unique and specific thoughts that control them. Unfortunately, I didn't take them into consideration. I am sorry for that.

Taking that into consideration, I'm not sure if I possess the ability to be empathetic on such a grand scale! I spend so much time thinking about myself that to put myself in the shoes of so many different people from so many different walks of life, well to be honest, I don't have that ability. My focus will be trying to obtain something that resonates with most people. Something vague enough to ring true with more than one type of person, but direct enough to make an impact.

My feelings on this subject are very heartfelt, hence the title. For so many years, I've felt worthless. My belief was the world would be better off without me. That brought me to horrible places. Suicidal tendencies, drug abuse, criminal behavior, deep depression, hatred, anger, self sabotage, homelessness, the list could be increased. I've been to some of the sadder places of self loathing. So my thoughts on this are probably a little biased.

I would like to start by saying, that list could be completely different from person to person. One could simply have an annoying thought that pops up every once and a while, "I should have done this," and could be to such an extreme that they sit with the barrel of a gun in their mouth, crying, wondering why shouldn't they pull the trigger. There are so many varying degrees of the feelings I'm talking about. There is, however, one thing in common with all of these thoughts; They take away from our happiness. They rob us of the ability to smile throughout the day and feel secure in ourselves. Whether you were reprimanded for something minor, or everyone in your life tells you that you are a horrible person. I don't want anyone to have to develop anything resembling self-hatred. It helps no one, and keeps us in a state of unhappiness.

Anything that comes that comes to mind, rarely or often, that interrupts focus on our present moments and our happiness, should be gotten rid of. This is a very difficult thing to do, and I would be lying if I said I've mastered this process. But I have become better equipped to handle these thoughts, and started to overcome some of my more destructive thinking. For example, instead of thinking that I am worthless and the world would be better off without me, I've decided that I have something to offer to the world, and I can help others. I have value!

Firstly, I would like to talk about resentments. A resentment is something developed when a person feels a wrong has been done to them, and they harbor a hatred toward another person. This creates a rift in the feelings of happiness. It also provides a breeding ground for self hatred. This is due to the fact that when a resentment is formed, sometimes we feel like we have done something wrong. For example, I knew a friend that had been adopted when he was young, very young. He harbored resentment toward his birth parents because they didn't want to take care of him. At the same time he developed a complex that made him feel like he wasn't good enough, and held himself to that standard of worthlessness. Let's look at another case; A woman I know has a problem with her looks. When she was younger, her mother was always harping on her to look this way or that, and she developed a deep resentment toward her mother for that. At the same time developing a complex that lead her to believe that no matter what she did, she would never be pretty. This woman gorgeous, but to her, she cannot see it. This is due to her resentment of her mother, and the development of a self-hating thought, "I'll never be pretty enough." I hope this is showing the power of resentment, and the dual handicaps they present. In my head, I had a boxing ring. In one corner I had a resentment, in the other, a complex developed do to that resentment, or co-occuring with it. They would go rounds with each other and it would do nothing but continually take happiness from me. These resentments could even be developed by one's self. A self-resentment. I had a problem with my weight, and every day I would tell myself I was fat and good for nothing. I resented myself for that. So you see, these can be generated by so many different ways. The answer is to question and get rid of these resentments.
This is not an easy process, but becoming aware that this hurts rather than helps, is a big part of starting to overcome it. There is a common saying on resentments, " Having a resentment toward someone is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting the other person to die, it just doesn't work." At the end of the day, you're only hurting yourself.

Resentments can be big and small, deep seeded or very minor. But they all have the potential to lead to unhappiness. I want to avoid that. Nobody in this world deserves to feel like they don't deserve happiness. Everyone deserves that feeling. If you're thinking that I must not be talking about you, you're wrong. I don't care what ANYONE has done. Murderer, thief, addict, abuser, or just a normal everyday person with a few feelings of pain due to some kind of self loathing; everyone deserves to feel happiness.

I'm not a monster, and neither is anyone else in the world. We are just human. Just Human beings trying to make it through, and maybe feel happiness along the way.I love you, please love yourself. It makes a world of difference, and consequently, a difference to the world. You're worth it no matter your background and behaviors :)

There are so many things that go in to this topic, So I think I'll be writing for a good long while. Sorry for any typos there might be, I'll write some more soon.


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