This is my Heart, I hope you hold it tight.

I have a friend. Well, I have a couple, but this one concerns me. It seems that everyday I speak with him, he has a new want, or need. He continually beats himself up for not having a job/car/girlfriend/money. I've spoke with him about his life, and it would seem like he needs these things. He aptly said, "I'm licking my wounds and trying to get back on my feet." But, unfortunately for my friend, the wound isn't of licking size. He needs surgery. He continually complains about his status of living and what he needs to do to succeed. "If I had this," "If I had that, then my life would be better and I would be happy." The car/money/girlfriend/vehicles, they are just band-aids. He's probably been bleeding out for a great while. At a deeper level, he is telling himself he is worthless. Because of his lack of material possessions, he feels like he is of no value as a person, and that is causing him sooooooo much strife and despair. How wrong he is! He is of infinite value. How hard it is to get him to think that. In all actuality, I have very little experience awakening a true sense of worth within a person. I wish i did. Luckily i had a wonderful counselor and 3 months of "super rehab" to allow me to see that no matter what I've done, no matter what I lack, I am not a monster.

There are things in this world, I speak of them as primary and secondary. Secondary includes, but is not limited to, material possessions, healthy relationships with others, a great career. Make no mistake, I believe these things to be HIGHLY important to every person's life. But at the same time, there is the primary; Valuing one's self. Loving one's self. Without that, without a feeling of value, one can never believe they have a purpose, and therefore, one can not fulfill those secondary things. Even if they do obtain the career, material possessions, moments of happiness will be few and far between (I didn't include healthy relationships with others simply because, I don't believe you can love another correctly, if you can't love yourself). My wish is that everyone find the ability to love themselves. I understand how horribly difficult it can be. Especially when spending so much time telling ourselves how we don't hit the mark, that we don't measure up. But this needs to be eradicated! Your value should never be measured against the expectation of others! It's impossible to measure up to the expectations of others! And if you do, it's an external motivator, and in the long run, does nothing for your sense of self security and value.
I suppose there must be a how included in this post. So many times I've been recommended some type of action, and not really told how to take action. There are so many ways one can start finding the ability to value one's self. I believe the very first thing, at the very beginning, is to stop avoiding the issue. In my case, I participated in a class that forced me to put my shortcomings in the open. I hurt my family, friends, coworkers, employers, teachers, acquaintances. I did horrible things to people. But I played the victim and blamed anyone and anything I could. I was never at fault. I was dishonest in life; I lied, I cheated, I stole. I betrayed people. I manipulated. When I admitted this to myself, and truly accepted it, I was ready to start the journey. More than that, I admitted it to someone else. Well, in my case, I admitted it to at least 15 other people all at the same time. I'm almost certain vocalizing these things are very important. Simply because, we ourselves, live with the knowledge of all of these shortcomings. When we give it voice, and allow others to see it, firstly, you may find out you aren't the monster you think you are. It's completely normal (Anyone thinking this is completely grotesque and untrue, go look in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and ask yourself if you're perfect. You should find your answer). Unfortunately I spent so much time telling myself that I was a good person and pushing all of my short comings deep down, never admitting them, that I became a slave to the idea I would never change. They had so much power over me! Then came the moment I gave them a voice, then came the moment I gave myself a choice, and a chance; Continue to live a lie, unhappy, depressed, alone, scared, egotistical, misguided, and hateful, or set myself free from the tyranny that was my struggle. To allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow my self the ability to start to heal. My wound was not fresh, but it was continually bleeding.

I chose to start healing. I took that plunge. And my attitude completely changed. I had the ability to be honest, with myself, and others. I am a felon. I am a drug addict. I am a sex addict. I have hurt people in such a way that they may never recover, and for that I am truly remorseful and sorry. But I no longer had to tell the lies, I began to be free. That was the foundation that has given me the ability to see I am not worthless.

In my admittance of these things to myself and others, a realization occurred. I became willing to correct the mistakes I'd caused. The only way I could do that was to start giving myself to the people around me. I became a vessel of light to those walking in the dark. I no longer wanted to hu8rt the world. So I came to see that through my destructive behavior, I could construct a life that allowed me to show those around me that real change is possible. Today. I'm worth it because I can give back to the world. I have something to offer. I don't want to hurt you. I want to love you. I want to listen to you, and I want to do anything I can short of killing myself to bring joy to your life.

One other thing I would like to mention is the placement of powerful principles deep within me, and throwing out the placement of people, material possessions, and other things of that nature. It is my inner self that gives me happiness day to day. We can talk about spirituality, but that word in itself has been horribly warped. Just like God. Neither of them need be included. I will however give you my short definition of spirituality; The inherent good within us. That thing that tells me to help a friend, to do my homework, the things that get me away from that horrifying person I was once, and catapult me into decisions that show compassion and love, integrity and beauty, commitment and motivation. That is spirituality to me. You can go further, you can take it away. But spirituality is yours, and yours alone. And it doesn't have to be God, and at the same time that can be your complete definition. It makes no difference.

THE POINT IS DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LOVE YOURSELF. For you, by your standards. Unconditional, "I've done horrible things, but that doesn't define me, I can be a positive force in the world," love. It's my dream for every person to find that love. I want so desperately for you to have it.

I will write more on the subject. More how. I'll try to continue probing my mind for exactly how this is happening to me. It's a day by day struggle, and good and evil clamor within me. But I'm making progress, however slow it may be.

www.homiehouse.com. Check it out :)