"Let it be known within each and everyone human being, there resides an essence of beauty that has the ability to resonate throughout all the world. The question each one must ask, is, ""Am I willing to believe such a statement?"" Upon answering, we can unlock even the most seemingly loathsome person's potential for loving one's self, and consequently, loving the world around them."
-Anonymous
All throughout my life, I hated everything about me. I hated my weight, my looks, my inability to make friends, my attention seeking behavior, not being talented at certain things. I hated so much of myself because I was ran by what I thought were other people's expectations.
I craved the approval of others. I thought that if other people approved of me, it meant I was important. It meant that someone cared about me, and that I was not as insignificant as I felt.
The feeling of insignificance breeds a great many side effects. The ego for starters. But even prior to the ego, comes fears. It's my personal belief that the smaller inner security, self-happiness, self-esteem, the bigger the ego becomes. From the small self-esteem and growth of the ego, comes the fear. Fear of rejection, of not being perfect, not being loved, not finding true acceptance, the list could, and does, go on and on. So our defenses start to take effect. Personally, I was the tough guy, the smooth guy, the clown, the thrill seeker, drug user, party animal, and much much more at any given time. I wore so many masks to cover my insecurity.
The question of where this feeling of insignificance comes from is very difficult. I wish I knew. I know for myself, where it came from. But it really took hard work to understand how it came about. And complete and utter honesty, but that could be a completely different topic in itself. But from that feeling came most of my problems and effected very deeply my actions every day of my life. I lived for other people's acceptance, whether productive or destructive, it amounts to the same thing; unhappiness.
At the root of this came my belief that I was not good enough for any one around me. I felt I had nothing good or beneficial to offer the world, and I wanted to hide my real self away. I wanted to protect what little self-esteem I had left.
Then something happened. Somewhat suddenly, but I guess I would have to say my life had been leading up to it since I was born; I realized (through the help of many wonderful mentors) that I have something wonderful to offer the world. I realized no matter my fears, no matter what I thought I had done to people, I had the ability to make a change. I had the ability to love and help those around me. Maybe I would even be able to show someone that they weren't completely worthless. I knew what that felt like, and it made me into a hurtful, hateful person.
I became willing to believe that there is a part of me that can be beautiful. And everyday since I accepted that there was that possibility, I've been able to increase my usefulness to others. I've been not only able to feel accepted, but something even better; I've been able to derive my sense of satisfaction and self worth from myself. I need no one to validate me. No material object can bring a smile to my face like the smile that comes from accomplishing my own goal. Or showing someone that I care.
It's almost inexplicable. And there are so many different variables that go into the ability to unlock the true beauty within each person. I have trouble with bringing my own to the surface everyday. I decide that I want to live to the expectations of others, I take back my fear of rejection. I live according to how I think other people want me to. It is so straining to live that way and it causes complete and utter hopelessness and despair within me.
The true beauty within us all. I wish all could know it and feel it. It is so real. It might be a utopian thought, but, I believe that if we all found it, the world would be much more sane and loving. That's just what I believe. I hope you can find it. You deserve it :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Hopeful Sufferer
With a life without loving, no strength to have heart,
No smiles to be seen, not a laugh to impart.
I found fear in myself, I found fear all around,
My heart made a noise, but made not a sound.
I cried to the masses, I cried out for help,
I cried and I cried, and never cried to myself.
My heart, like my mouth, made attempts, but it faltered,
Till a day when change came, my voice had been altered.
I sang and I shouted, I cried out in earnest,
I loved, and I laughed, my heart burned like a furnace.
But all was not fixed, all was not healed,
and today it still isn't, daily, more is revealed.
I suffered and suffer, but I am not lost,
Love is within me, my hope is abound.
No matter the cost, my heart will make sound.
No smiles to be seen, not a laugh to impart.
I found fear in myself, I found fear all around,
My heart made a noise, but made not a sound.
I cried to the masses, I cried out for help,
I cried and I cried, and never cried to myself.
My heart, like my mouth, made attempts, but it faltered,
Till a day when change came, my voice had been altered.
I sang and I shouted, I cried out in earnest,
I loved, and I laughed, my heart burned like a furnace.
But all was not fixed, all was not healed,
and today it still isn't, daily, more is revealed.
I suffered and suffer, but I am not lost,
Love is within me, my hope is abound.
No matter the cost, my heart will make sound.
Friday, April 13, 2012
This is my heart, I hope you hold it tight PT. II
At the very beginning of this, I must say I am sorry to whomever read
the last entry and thought I was completely off my rocker. Somehow I
managed to put everyone in a box, and think each person was exactly like
me. How absolutely close-minded of me! My intent was not to do anything
resembling that. My hope was to convey the means to improve the value
of one's self, but I forgot to take into consideration that not everyone
in the world acts the way I do. Everyone has unique and specific
thoughts that control them. Unfortunately, I didn't take them into
consideration. I am sorry for that.
Taking that into
consideration, I'm not sure if I possess the ability to be empathetic on
such a grand scale! I spend so much time thinking about myself that to
put myself in the shoes of so many different people from so many
different walks of life, well to be honest, I don't have that ability.
My focus will be trying to obtain something that resonates with most
people. Something vague enough to ring true with more than one type of
person, but direct enough to make an impact.
My feelings on this subject are very heartfelt, hence the title. For so many years, I've felt worthless. My belief was the world would be better off without me. That brought me to horrible places. Suicidal tendencies, drug abuse, criminal behavior, deep depression, hatred, anger, self sabotage, homelessness, the list could be increased. I've been to some of the sadder places of self loathing. So my thoughts on this are probably a little biased.
I would like to start by saying, that list could be completely different from person to person. One could simply have an annoying thought that pops up every once and a while, "I should have done this," and could be to such an extreme that they sit with the barrel of a gun in their mouth, crying, wondering why shouldn't they pull the trigger. There are so many varying degrees of the feelings I'm talking about. There is, however, one thing in common with all of these thoughts; They take away from our happiness. They rob us of the ability to smile throughout the day and feel secure in ourselves. Whether you were reprimanded for something minor, or everyone in your life tells you that you are a horrible person. I don't want anyone to have to develop anything resembling self-hatred. It helps no one, and keeps us in a state of unhappiness.
Anything that comes that comes to mind, rarely or often, that interrupts focus on our present moments and our happiness, should be gotten rid of. This is a very difficult thing to do, and I would be lying if I said I've mastered this process. But I have become better equipped to handle these thoughts, and started to overcome some of my more destructive thinking. For example, instead of thinking that I am worthless and the world would be better off without me, I've decided that I have something to offer to the world, and I can help others. I have value!
Firstly, I would like to talk about resentments. A resentment is something developed when a person feels a wrong has been done to them, and they harbor a hatred toward another person. This creates a rift in the feelings of happiness. It also provides a breeding ground for self hatred. This is due to the fact that when a resentment is formed, sometimes we feel like we have done something wrong. For example, I knew a friend that had been adopted when he was young, very young. He harbored resentment toward his birth parents because they didn't want to take care of him. At the same time he developed a complex that made him feel like he wasn't good enough, and held himself to that standard of worthlessness. Let's look at another case; A woman I know has a problem with her looks. When she was younger, her mother was always harping on her to look this way or that, and she developed a deep resentment toward her mother for that. At the same time developing a complex that lead her to believe that no matter what she did, she would never be pretty. This woman gorgeous, but to her, she cannot see it. This is due to her resentment of her mother, and the development of a self-hating thought, "I'll never be pretty enough." I hope this is showing the power of resentment, and the dual handicaps they present. In my head, I had a boxing ring. In one corner I had a resentment, in the other, a complex developed do to that resentment, or co-occuring with it. They would go rounds with each other and it would do nothing but continually take happiness from me. These resentments could even be developed by one's self. A self-resentment. I had a problem with my weight, and every day I would tell myself I was fat and good for nothing. I resented myself for that. So you see, these can be generated by so many different ways. The answer is to question and get rid of these resentments.
This is not an easy process, but becoming aware that this hurts rather than helps, is a big part of starting to overcome it. There is a common saying on resentments, " Having a resentment toward someone is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting the other person to die, it just doesn't work." At the end of the day, you're only hurting yourself.
Resentments can be big and small, deep seeded or very minor. But they all have the potential to lead to unhappiness. I want to avoid that. Nobody in this world deserves to feel like they don't deserve happiness. Everyone deserves that feeling. If you're thinking that I must not be talking about you, you're wrong. I don't care what ANYONE has done. Murderer, thief, addict, abuser, or just a normal everyday person with a few feelings of pain due to some kind of self loathing; everyone deserves to feel happiness.
I'm not a monster, and neither is anyone else in the world. We are just human. Just Human beings trying to make it through, and maybe feel happiness along the way.I love you, please love yourself. It makes a world of difference, and consequently, a difference to the world. You're worth it no matter your background and behaviors :)
There are so many things that go in to this topic, So I think I'll be writing for a good long while. Sorry for any typos there might be, I'll write some more soon.
www.homiehouse.us. Check it out!
Taking that into
consideration, I'm not sure if I possess the ability to be empathetic on
such a grand scale! I spend so much time thinking about myself that to
put myself in the shoes of so many different people from so many
different walks of life, well to be honest, I don't have that ability.
My focus will be trying to obtain something that resonates with most
people. Something vague enough to ring true with more than one type of
person, but direct enough to make an impact.My feelings on this subject are very heartfelt, hence the title. For so many years, I've felt worthless. My belief was the world would be better off without me. That brought me to horrible places. Suicidal tendencies, drug abuse, criminal behavior, deep depression, hatred, anger, self sabotage, homelessness, the list could be increased. I've been to some of the sadder places of self loathing. So my thoughts on this are probably a little biased.
I would like to start by saying, that list could be completely different from person to person. One could simply have an annoying thought that pops up every once and a while, "I should have done this," and could be to such an extreme that they sit with the barrel of a gun in their mouth, crying, wondering why shouldn't they pull the trigger. There are so many varying degrees of the feelings I'm talking about. There is, however, one thing in common with all of these thoughts; They take away from our happiness. They rob us of the ability to smile throughout the day and feel secure in ourselves. Whether you were reprimanded for something minor, or everyone in your life tells you that you are a horrible person. I don't want anyone to have to develop anything resembling self-hatred. It helps no one, and keeps us in a state of unhappiness.
Anything that comes that comes to mind, rarely or often, that interrupts focus on our present moments and our happiness, should be gotten rid of. This is a very difficult thing to do, and I would be lying if I said I've mastered this process. But I have become better equipped to handle these thoughts, and started to overcome some of my more destructive thinking. For example, instead of thinking that I am worthless and the world would be better off without me, I've decided that I have something to offer to the world, and I can help others. I have value!
Firstly, I would like to talk about resentments. A resentment is something developed when a person feels a wrong has been done to them, and they harbor a hatred toward another person. This creates a rift in the feelings of happiness. It also provides a breeding ground for self hatred. This is due to the fact that when a resentment is formed, sometimes we feel like we have done something wrong. For example, I knew a friend that had been adopted when he was young, very young. He harbored resentment toward his birth parents because they didn't want to take care of him. At the same time he developed a complex that made him feel like he wasn't good enough, and held himself to that standard of worthlessness. Let's look at another case; A woman I know has a problem with her looks. When she was younger, her mother was always harping on her to look this way or that, and she developed a deep resentment toward her mother for that. At the same time developing a complex that lead her to believe that no matter what she did, she would never be pretty. This woman gorgeous, but to her, she cannot see it. This is due to her resentment of her mother, and the development of a self-hating thought, "I'll never be pretty enough." I hope this is showing the power of resentment, and the dual handicaps they present. In my head, I had a boxing ring. In one corner I had a resentment, in the other, a complex developed do to that resentment, or co-occuring with it. They would go rounds with each other and it would do nothing but continually take happiness from me. These resentments could even be developed by one's self. A self-resentment. I had a problem with my weight, and every day I would tell myself I was fat and good for nothing. I resented myself for that. So you see, these can be generated by so many different ways. The answer is to question and get rid of these resentments.
This is not an easy process, but becoming aware that this hurts rather than helps, is a big part of starting to overcome it. There is a common saying on resentments, " Having a resentment toward someone is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting the other person to die, it just doesn't work." At the end of the day, you're only hurting yourself.
Resentments can be big and small, deep seeded or very minor. But they all have the potential to lead to unhappiness. I want to avoid that. Nobody in this world deserves to feel like they don't deserve happiness. Everyone deserves that feeling. If you're thinking that I must not be talking about you, you're wrong. I don't care what ANYONE has done. Murderer, thief, addict, abuser, or just a normal everyday person with a few feelings of pain due to some kind of self loathing; everyone deserves to feel happiness.
I'm not a monster, and neither is anyone else in the world. We are just human. Just Human beings trying to make it through, and maybe feel happiness along the way.I love you, please love yourself. It makes a world of difference, and consequently, a difference to the world. You're worth it no matter your background and behaviors :)
There are so many things that go in to this topic, So I think I'll be writing for a good long while. Sorry for any typos there might be, I'll write some more soon.
www.homiehouse.us. Check it out!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
This is my Heart, I hope you hold it tight.
I have a friend. Well, I have a couple, but this one concerns me. It
seems that everyday I speak with him, he has a new want, or need. He
continually beats himself up for not having a job/car/girlfriend/money.
I've spoke with him about his life, and it would seem like he needs
these things. He aptly said, "I'm licking my wounds and trying to get
back on my feet." But, unfortunately for my friend, the wound isn't of
licking size. He needs surgery. He continually complains about his
status of living and what he needs to do to succeed. "If I had this,"
"If I had that, then my life would be better and I would be happy." The
car/money/girlfriend/vehicles, they are just band-aids. He's probably
been bleeding out for a great while. At a deeper level, he is telling
himself he is worthless. Because of his lack of material possessions, he
feels like he is of no value as a person, and that is causing him
sooooooo much strife and despair. How wrong he is! He is of infinite
value. How hard it is to get him to think that. In all actuality, I have
very little experience awakening a true sense of worth within a person.
I wish i did. Luckily i had a wonderful counselor and 3 months of
"super rehab" to allow me to see that no matter what I've done, no
matter what I lack, I am not a monster.
There are things in this world, I speak of them as primary and secondary. Secondary includes, but is not limited to, material possessions, healthy relationships with others, a great career. Make no mistake, I believe these things to be HIGHLY important to every person's life. But at the same time, there is the primary; Valuing one's self. Loving one's self. Without that, without a feeling of value, one can never believe they have a purpose, and therefore, one can not fulfill those secondary things. Even if they do obtain the career, material possessions, moments of happiness will be few and far between (I didn't include healthy relationships with others simply because, I don't believe you can love another correctly, if you can't love yourself). My wish is that everyone find the ability to love themselves. I understand how horribly difficult it can be. Especially when spending so much time telling ourselves how we don't hit the mark, that we don't measure up. But this needs to be eradicated! Your value should never be measured against the expectation of others! It's impossible to measure up to the expectations of others! And if you do, it's an external motivator, and in the long run, does nothing for your sense of self security and value.
I suppose there must be a how included in this post. So many times I've been recommended some type of action, and not really told how to take action. There are so many ways one can start finding the ability to value one's self. I believe the very first thing, at the very beginning, is to stop avoiding the issue. In my case, I participated in a class that forced me to put my shortcomings in the open. I hurt my family, friends, coworkers, employers, teachers, acquaintances. I did horrible things to people. But I played the victim and blamed anyone and anything I could. I was never at fault. I was dishonest in life; I lied, I cheated, I stole. I betrayed people. I manipulated. When I admitted this to myself, and truly accepted it, I was ready to start the journey. More than that, I admitted it to someone else. Well, in my case, I admitted it to at least 15 other people all at the same time. I'm almost certain vocalizing these things are very important. Simply because, we ourselves, live with the knowledge of all of these shortcomings. When we give it voice, and allow others to see it, firstly, you may find out you aren't the monster you think you are. It's completely normal (Anyone thinking this is completely grotesque and untrue, go look in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and ask yourself if you're perfect. You should find your answer). Unfortunately I spent so much time telling myself that I was a good person and pushing all of my short comings deep down, never admitting them, that I became a slave to the idea I would never change. They had so much power over me! Then came the moment I gave them a voice, then came the moment I gave myself a choice, and a chance; Continue to live a lie, unhappy, depressed, alone, scared, egotistical, misguided, and hateful, or set myself free from the tyranny that was my struggle. To allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow my self the ability to start to heal. My wound was not fresh, but it was continually bleeding.
I chose to start healing. I took that plunge. And my attitude completely changed. I had the ability to be honest, with myself, and others. I am a felon. I am a drug addict. I am a sex addict. I have hurt people in such a way that they may never recover, and for that I am truly remorseful and sorry. But I no longer had to tell the lies, I began to be free. That was the foundation that has given me the ability to see I am not worthless.
In my admittance of these things to myself and others, a realization occurred. I became willing to correct the mistakes I'd caused. The only way I could do that was to start giving myself to the people around me. I became a vessel of light to those walking in the dark. I no longer wanted to hu8rt the world. So I came to see that through my destructive behavior, I could construct a life that allowed me to show those around me that real change is possible. Today. I'm worth it because I can give back to the world. I have something to offer. I don't want to hurt you. I want to love you. I want to listen to you, and I want to do anything I can short of killing myself to bring joy to your life.
One other thing I would like to mention is the placement of powerful principles deep within me, and throwing out the placement of people, material possessions, and other things of that nature. It is my inner self that gives me happiness day to day. We can talk about spirituality, but that word in itself has been horribly warped. Just like God. Neither of them need be included. I will however give you my short definition of spirituality; The inherent good within us. That thing that tells me to help a friend, to do my homework, the things that get me away from that horrifying person I was once, and catapult me into decisions that show compassion and love, integrity and beauty, commitment and motivation. That is spirituality to me. You can go further, you can take it away. But spirituality is yours, and yours alone. And it doesn't have to be God, and at the same time that can be your complete definition. It makes no difference.
THE POINT IS DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LOVE YOURSELF. For you, by your standards. Unconditional, "I've done horrible things, but that doesn't define me, I can be a positive force in the world," love. It's my dream for every person to find that love. I want so desperately for you to have it.
I will write more on the subject. More how. I'll try to continue probing my mind for exactly how this is happening to me. It's a day by day struggle, and good and evil clamor within me. But I'm making progress, however slow it may be.
www.homiehouse.com. Check it out :)
There are things in this world, I speak of them as primary and secondary. Secondary includes, but is not limited to, material possessions, healthy relationships with others, a great career. Make no mistake, I believe these things to be HIGHLY important to every person's life. But at the same time, there is the primary; Valuing one's self. Loving one's self. Without that, without a feeling of value, one can never believe they have a purpose, and therefore, one can not fulfill those secondary things. Even if they do obtain the career, material possessions, moments of happiness will be few and far between (I didn't include healthy relationships with others simply because, I don't believe you can love another correctly, if you can't love yourself). My wish is that everyone find the ability to love themselves. I understand how horribly difficult it can be. Especially when spending so much time telling ourselves how we don't hit the mark, that we don't measure up. But this needs to be eradicated! Your value should never be measured against the expectation of others! It's impossible to measure up to the expectations of others! And if you do, it's an external motivator, and in the long run, does nothing for your sense of self security and value.
I suppose there must be a how included in this post. So many times I've been recommended some type of action, and not really told how to take action. There are so many ways one can start finding the ability to value one's self. I believe the very first thing, at the very beginning, is to stop avoiding the issue. In my case, I participated in a class that forced me to put my shortcomings in the open. I hurt my family, friends, coworkers, employers, teachers, acquaintances. I did horrible things to people. But I played the victim and blamed anyone and anything I could. I was never at fault. I was dishonest in life; I lied, I cheated, I stole. I betrayed people. I manipulated. When I admitted this to myself, and truly accepted it, I was ready to start the journey. More than that, I admitted it to someone else. Well, in my case, I admitted it to at least 15 other people all at the same time. I'm almost certain vocalizing these things are very important. Simply because, we ourselves, live with the knowledge of all of these shortcomings. When we give it voice, and allow others to see it, firstly, you may find out you aren't the monster you think you are. It's completely normal (Anyone thinking this is completely grotesque and untrue, go look in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and ask yourself if you're perfect. You should find your answer). Unfortunately I spent so much time telling myself that I was a good person and pushing all of my short comings deep down, never admitting them, that I became a slave to the idea I would never change. They had so much power over me! Then came the moment I gave them a voice, then came the moment I gave myself a choice, and a chance; Continue to live a lie, unhappy, depressed, alone, scared, egotistical, misguided, and hateful, or set myself free from the tyranny that was my struggle. To allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow my self the ability to start to heal. My wound was not fresh, but it was continually bleeding.
I chose to start healing. I took that plunge. And my attitude completely changed. I had the ability to be honest, with myself, and others. I am a felon. I am a drug addict. I am a sex addict. I have hurt people in such a way that they may never recover, and for that I am truly remorseful and sorry. But I no longer had to tell the lies, I began to be free. That was the foundation that has given me the ability to see I am not worthless.
In my admittance of these things to myself and others, a realization occurred. I became willing to correct the mistakes I'd caused. The only way I could do that was to start giving myself to the people around me. I became a vessel of light to those walking in the dark. I no longer wanted to hu8rt the world. So I came to see that through my destructive behavior, I could construct a life that allowed me to show those around me that real change is possible. Today. I'm worth it because I can give back to the world. I have something to offer. I don't want to hurt you. I want to love you. I want to listen to you, and I want to do anything I can short of killing myself to bring joy to your life.
One other thing I would like to mention is the placement of powerful principles deep within me, and throwing out the placement of people, material possessions, and other things of that nature. It is my inner self that gives me happiness day to day. We can talk about spirituality, but that word in itself has been horribly warped. Just like God. Neither of them need be included. I will however give you my short definition of spirituality; The inherent good within us. That thing that tells me to help a friend, to do my homework, the things that get me away from that horrifying person I was once, and catapult me into decisions that show compassion and love, integrity and beauty, commitment and motivation. That is spirituality to me. You can go further, you can take it away. But spirituality is yours, and yours alone. And it doesn't have to be God, and at the same time that can be your complete definition. It makes no difference.
THE POINT IS DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LOVE YOURSELF. For you, by your standards. Unconditional, "I've done horrible things, but that doesn't define me, I can be a positive force in the world," love. It's my dream for every person to find that love. I want so desperately for you to have it.
I will write more on the subject. More how. I'll try to continue probing my mind for exactly how this is happening to me. It's a day by day struggle, and good and evil clamor within me. But I'm making progress, however slow it may be.
www.homiehouse.com. Check it out :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The Start
Where ever I go, there I am. This was more than a profound statement made today. I heard it from a gal, and instantly my head started swimming. It made so much sense. For the last decade I’ve spent my time running from place to place in search of something better, only to find myself in places and situations that were far worse. There was a glaring flaw in my thinking; I thought that in order to gain something better, I had to start over somewhere new. The problem was that anywhere that I traveled to, or new job I obtained, or new school I attended, or new apartment I rented, or new house that I moved to, I was still there.
It was never the situation I was in. It was me. It was my thinking, my habits, my principals, my morals, my values, my self. I never took the time to look past the surface, and realize that my problems were my own. I played the victim in almost every way imaginable, I fantasized “If only they would do this,” or “I could find happiness if only,” at the base of it all, I was to blame. I had become the master of my own suffering. But I would do nothing to change it, because I was so stuck searching for an alternative externally, when in all actuality, it was the internal that needed the changing.
A full revamp of ideas, of persona, of morals and principals, was needed. This was such a tough pill to swallow. And it sat on my coffee table for over a decade, I simply thought it was someone else’s (and had no problem telling them to take it). Never placing any accountability for the things and problems I experienced in life. The world was at fault, or at least I thought it was. But alas, it was not so. It took homelessness, incarceration, drug and alcohol addiction, loss of family, loss of friends, loss of possessions, and most importantly, a loss of pride, to show me that maybe, just maybe, I had it all wrong. My ego didn’t want to admit that, but like an ego, it needs to be battered and bruised time and time again to understand that it is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am neither a saint, nor a sinner, I simply am. It is my day to day choices that make or break the person I am and want to become. But they are just that; Choices, and they are mine, not any one else’s, to make.
“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
Viktor Frankl
I never understood this. I continually used the excuse that I was a product of my environment, and continued to view the world in a way that entitled me to act grotesquely. I never could understand that my problems were my own, and that my shortcomings were many.
www.Homiehouse.com
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