I don't recommend this to anyone. It isn't a great way to live, nor function day to day.
1. Think you are the center of the universe, and that the world and everything in it should bow to your every want.
2. Decide to be ungrateful for everything that you have in life.
3. Believe that everything should go according to your plans and designs.
It's been a little while since I wrote anything, this is because I decided to do 1-3 on the list above. I forgot what truely brings happiness into my life. It isn't any of those things, yet, I wanted to give them a go around.
Number one has been continuously a problem in my life for the past 22 years. Not too long ago, I was working toward eliminating the idea that I was god (Please don't discount this writing because I throw the term in). I have thought that I was better than everyone else in the world. Up until a few months ago, I had a problem admitting that, but now it stares me in the face when I do any kind of self-reflection. The concept breeds so many things; conceitedness, selfishness, hatred, judgements, false-pride, the list goes on. It has been a great bane of my existence, and I mean that in a big way.
You see, when I believe this, when I believe I'm bigger and better than those around me, something happens. I give away my mind. It is run by obsessive thoughts, "I should tell this person this!", "I could do this better!", "Why didn't he recognize my work?", "You must not know who I am,". This is non-stop. I become an animal obsessed with myself and my plans and ideas. And in doing so, anything that is not in sync with what I think is right, becomes my problem, and I stress out over it completely. And there goes my mind.
After allowing my mind to disappear, I come to the place where I become ungrateful. A world of self pity. Instead of enjoying the things that I do have, I contemplate the things I do not. This is number two on the list above.
I believe the people around me should be required to give me the things I want. The business of self pity is deadly. A killer of happiness to be sure. From my experience, when I become ungrateful, the word self pity is the perfect word to describe my thought process and stance taken toward my surroundings. I determine I don't have enough money, my living situation is less than perfect, I have too much to do, my relationships aren't what I would like them to be, the list can and does go on and on and on. This is yet another way my mind becomes clouded. My focus becomes shifted from living with purpose to living in angst, aggravation, and discontent.
This leads to more and more problems. After one and two, I put effort towards controlling every aspect of every situation to obtain fro9m others the things that I want. I think life should be lived out exactly how I envision. I become outrageous in my demands. Anything that does not go my way becomes stressful and I redouble my efforts to control. My opinion becomes the only thing that matters. The thinking associated is completely self-centered. The people around me don't matter, nor do I give them much thought. How selfish! This type of thinking and behavior not only causes my own suffering, but it hurts those around em so much more. Inside myself, I feel agitated, but the more important aspect, the outer world deals with the pain of my actions. I take precious space in the minds of others, they become upset, they wonder what it is that I want from them. Unfortunately, they cannot please me, because I demand too much. It is impossible to satiate my appetite for control when I am in this state of mind.
I am walking destruction. Leaving hurt feelings, misery, despair, and sadness in my wake. This is not the person I want to be. The attempt to control my world and the people within it is not only impossible, it breeds discontent within myself and the relationships in my life. Conciously working toward letting go of that control is one of my greatest difficulties. I am an egomaniac, I cannot deny this, it is a fact. Because of the nature of this beast, anything that isn't under my influence bothers me, it more than bothers me, it runs laps in my mind. It consumes me, and it completely ruins any happiness I have.
This is where letting go comes in, and it takes a great deal of work from me. I literally have writing and homework I must do to keep my ego from growing! Not to mention trying to shrink it. That simple step of letting go of trying to control people, places, and things eliminates 1-3 on the list. It frees me. Everyday I learn more and more the futility of thinking I can somehow influence the decisions of people. And when I do, it more often then not leads down a path of hurt for one or both parties.
I choose to change myself. I choose to love instead of hate, let go rather than control, share beauty rather than madness.
I love you :)
